Defeated

The past few weeks I have been an emotional wreck.  I’m riding this rollercoaster and it isn’t giving me the chance to breath, to regain my composure, I have to ride it out.  I feel like I am being pulled in every direction except for my own way.  I’m traveling at an untouchable speed, but everything around me feels slow, it’s almost tormenting. As much as I try to keep it all together I find myself letting it build and build and build.  At one point I will lose control and break down.  But I will not allow that.  I refuse.  I’ll bite my tongue, fight back the tears that have yet to fall, ball up my fist, but I won’t do it.  I won’t, I promise you, you will never see me cry.  My pride is too strong for that and I will not let you know how much this really affects me.

I don’t think you realize how much I take into account what you think about me. 

I don’t think anyone I truly care about realizes that what you guys say means a lot to me.  I take it personally and to heart.  I am human. I have feelings too. I am not just a shell walking around with a vacant stare off into the distance.  What you say and think about me is important to me.  Maybe you were just joking, but it genuinely upset me.  It saddened me and made me think, “Am I really a mean spirited person?” because I never thought I was.  I’m sarcastic and my jokes can be a little sharp, but I never saw myself as mean. And why is it so weird if I am nice?  I thought everything that I have been doing for you has been nothing but nice.  But I am not doing this just to be “nice” I am doing this because I care about you.  You are my friend and this is what friends are  for, help each other, give advice, be a support system or simply just be there for them.  God forbid that I want my friends to be happy.  I feel like I go out my way to make you people happy and never once do I worry about my own happiness, which will not happen any time soon.  I will always put myself last on my list on who to make happy.

My frustration has turned into sadness, and I feel like giving up.  I try and try and try and try to make things better, to give people a solution, but you never listen, no one ever does.  What do I know anyway?  I’m just spewing shit around, I have a voice, but I am constantly fighting to be heard.  “Speak up!” you say, well fuck you, why don’t you try to listen and not just hear some buzzing in the background.  Why do I even bother anymore?  Maybe it’s that little voice inside of my head telling me that I am better than what I perceive myself as, and  even if I don’t get through to someone, I at least put in my best effort to help.  But, sometimes I don’t listen to that voice that tells me I am better than what I see.  I don’t believe it. I have spent all my life convincing myself that I am not pretty, let alone beautiful.  I feel like I have been put next to people so they look better in comparison.  The designated funny fat friend and this is all I was good for.  That is all I am good for.  Nothing else seems to be of importance.  People look over aspects of me that I think describe me better than just my humor.  Hopelessness and loneliness combine into one.  I might be screaming in a room full of people, but no would look up or even notice.  So, I will continue to sit in my silence and observe.

Simply, just existing.